Hold me Jesus

This morning I walked upstairs into the boys' room and was overwhelmed by the mess that I saw.  It seemed like every single toy was out, and I saw a disaster. My two older boys were up there and I don't know what my words were exactly, but they were not happy nor affirming. I think I sounded like the mom that none of us really want to be.  I let them know that they wouldn't do much of anything until it was all cleaned up, and how many times have I told them to put things away before they get out something new?

Simeon's spirit looked crushed, and crushing one of my boys' spirits is close to the top of my list of things I never want to do. His eyes were sad, and hurt, and he started to cry.  

"Are you crying because you just don't want to clean up, or are you sad?"

"I'm sad."

I looked more carefully and saw clearly what I had not before - that there was a masterpiece in the middle of the mess - that my boy had taken every little animal he could find and had separated them into groups and built mountains and seas and plains for them.  There was an ocean and a jungle and a land of dinasours and a farm and the arctic and it he had worked so hard. 

I looked him in the eyes and told him I was sorry - that it turns out that a lot of times mommies don't see what we should. That he is a super creative, really great kid and what he made was really, really awesome. When I saw only a big mess, I was missing out.  

There's so many different things I can "see" and "hear" when I look at and listen to these boys.  We all just want to be really seen, really heard, for people to think we have to say, or create, is really special.  Oh God, help me.

I had a long talk with my best friend today, and it was just about the best thing that could've happened for me right now.  She lives 35 minutes away but it might as well be hours because our days are full to overflowing taking care of our kids and keeping house and loving our husbands, and lately weeks and weeks go by between our talks and my soul just needs to feel connected. So tonight I feel thankful.

I've been finding my way through a rough season in which I have felt short-fused, lonely and unraveled.

The good thing about it is my ache for God has grown and grown...

And I know, yes I know that being aching and weak is better than feeling like I've got things down and I'm strong. Rich Mullins said it this way: 

"I would rather live on the verge of falling and let my security be in the all sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistical illusion of moral excellence. Not that I don't want to be morally excellent but my faith isn't in the idea that I am more moral than anyone else. My faith is the idea that God and His love are greater than any of the sins we commit." 

Hold me Jesus.