Dark, no - I wouldn't say it's been dark.
But I've been living with an almost constant feeling of "I just can't keep up". I feel as though I run on empty and spend my days scurrying from one thing to another - someone yelling my name to another, one mess to another, one "look at me!" to another, one hungry person to another, one "Mommy, I'm done!!!" to another.
And I do it all and give it my all but there's always this sense of not doing it any of it well. Because really, how can I, when I can't sit down and give any one situation the eye level, uninterrupted attention that I feel it deserves?
I've had multiple breakdowns, and I've been yearning for some sense of calm in my everyday that I haven't found.
Unraveled.
Just a few weeks ago it hit me, and this might sound depressing, but somehow to me, it was anything but.
This is the sacrifice I'm making with my life. I am going to pour myself out, completely, every day, for many years to come.
I am not making myself a martyr the slightest bit because raising these boys is my greatest joy and being with them is what I most want to do. If you know me, you know that's true.
But I have four kids, and they are very close in age, and I am happily choosing to homeschool as well, and if I raise these boys the way I feel like God wants me to, then I will have to use every bit of energy I have, every day. And every night I most likely will feel like "I've got nothing"...
But He keeps filling me up.
And therein lies my hope.
I had been wanting to be able to wake up in the mornings thinking "I got this".
I had been hoping for a sense of put-togetherness, in my house and in my days that frankly, I don't think can be found in this house with my boys of 7, 5, 3 and 1.
But that's ok.
My laundry is piled and my hair hasn't looked very special in a long time and there are a lot of dusty corners. A LOT of dusty corners. And oh, the circles under my eyes.
I have accepted this "hard" season as being a lot longer than I had initially hoped. But it doesn't seem as hard somehow. Draining, yes. But it is my joyful reality, and I am thankful, unbelievably thankful.
