This post-partum time is always a tough one for me. I am now past the "adjustment to a new family member" time and in the "I haven't had a good night's sleep in so long and it's really wearing on me" time.
I find myself facing an inner battle very often. One side says "you need to FIGURE THIS OUT. Read, research, ask for advice until you find the secret to helping Brody sleep. You will not find peace until you do."
The other side, whose voice is much calmer and quieter says "This is a small phase of parenting this boy, a very small one, and God has got you. Get up when you need to and don't complain. God has got you."
The fight is the fiercest in the middle of the night. I can feel myself clenching my fists and my jaw and thinking "what am I doing wrong, why isn't he a better sleeper?!". And the Holy Spirit reminds me gently that the secret of joy in this life is not found in my comfort nor in my eight hours of sleep.
It was a breakthrough for me when I realized that all of "God's way" for me as His child is really "THE best way" for me. That I don't need to seek Him in shaky times because He told me to, but because He is the source of all true peace, and isn't that what I most want?
Would I prefer to be well rested or to have my soul at rest?
Last night as a family we read about how God's Word is a sword and I found myself feeling happy because the devotional was speaking the language of my weapon-loving boys.... But in the middle of the night I thought about it again. A sword is really powerful.
Without Christ, all I would have to get me through this phase would be sleep books, hours of searching on the internet and pity parties.
Why do I keep choosing to live like that?
God's Word is a sword, His truth can demolish the fears and panic that creep into my heart at night. His truth speaks life into my body on tired days.
He loves me the same and holds me the same no matter which way I choose to go in my mind....
But as for me, I want peace!!
He is the Giver of all joy, all peace.... Pray with me that I keep choosing HIM!
