Spring

Spring makes my heart happy.
Windows open, breeze blowing, evenings chilly enough for a hoodie or a blanket...
The trees are blooming and flowers are popping up and I remember that going for walks is my very favorite thing to do.
My boys run and play and ride bikes and adopt worms and accidentally injure their adopted worms...
They get dirty and stay up later and roll around in the grass and play soccer and run and run...
They play harder, sleep better, and their mama is rediscovering the light and the joy that once was...
And everything looks brighter and I think there's a twinkle in my eye that was gone for awhile...
And even on the days of questions I see my Light and I wrestle with how can I live for God, really live with Him and for Him, in a world that just doesn't.
And how can I raise my kids, today, to know that this isn't it... That all this joy we have, it's from Him, and it's just a taste. Just keep looking, we were meant for Him, and when you look for what will really make you happy boys... look for HIM, you'll find Him.
Tears pour out as I write this, because for me, this is it. This is what I want for my days...

Surprised by joy

Lately I've mentally written a few posts but they've never made it as far as this. My mind is full lately and my heart is often bursting, sometimes with joy, sometimes with ideas, or passion...
I think it's because I'm truly coming out of that dreary, draining time of pregnancy/postpartum....
And when I do I feel alive. I feel alive to emotions, alive to relationships. I think to myself "this is what I used to be like!" And there is joy around every little corner where for so long I have struggled to find joy.
I can feel again... really feel! Such desire to truly feel and truly live and love... Even when it's a little messy and painful, cause it often is.
I feel a desire to hold on tightly to my boys' hands as they walk through dark days and to spend more time on my knees begging for words to say to those dear boys on those dark days.
I want to really love deeply, for "love covers a multitude of sins"... And I'm surrounded by beautiful broken people and instead of scratching at each other, we can choose to love each other and in that there is such grace and grace is always beautiful. I can't love like this on my own... In fact I'm quite stuck up on my own, but Christ is in me and He wouldn't call us to love like that if HE couldn't do it for us.
And oh, I'm awakened to the beauty of marriage and the gift that Tom is. We have the most unique chance to be grace givers every day and we get to be partners as we make our way down this path and in the everyday with Him there is such beauty.
These days can be long and I can feel tired and the flu really gets us down and I can feel like there are too many decisions and that there's never enough money and what if we do the wrong thing?
But God is with me and He is in me and HE IS GOOD. I need not fear.
I thank Him today for the aliveness that I feel to life and to Him, for joy and new mercies that come in the morning.
He is walking with us and He is for us and let's just all hold on tight to Him, in Him there is an abundant life, I just know that to be true.

Simeon is 6

I am not a poet.  Not at all.  I wish I were, only because I think if I were a poet then there would be more of a chance of being able to write good songs.  I tell Tom that that is one of the few things I wish about my life that isn't so...I wish I could write songs. 
So I really appreciate those who are, and lately I have appreciated blog entries like this one that left me crying like a baby and songs like this one that i sometimes listen to early in the morning to help make right a wrong perspective.  I love them not because they validate my exhaustion and put to words myheart everyday (which they do) but because lately I feel knocked off my feet with the privilege of being a mother.
This life that leaves me literally falling into bed many nights is the one that brings me more moments of joy that I would have imagined possible.  It's in the nonstop, sometimes messy loving of my house full of boys that I come alive and God always meets me right in the middle of it all and I would ask for nothing else.
My oldest boy turns 6 today.  I remember well the months of carrying him - I was in Japan, with nothing to do and no friends.  I would walk the streets of Kobe every day and I felt strangely aware that the craziest life change was about to take place - I would go from being alone, with nothing to do, for most of my days, to never ever being alone, for a very long time.  I knew that someone completely dependant on me was about to fill my days. What a privilege, and what a bringer of joy Simeon has been to my life. 
I feel blessed, so blessed to be his mom, so blessed to be the mom of his brothers. 

Simeon amazes me every day with his creativity.  He is an artist, a really good artist. He pays great attention to detail and takes time to do something well.  He's creative.  He loves dragons and knights and fairy tales and dinasours and legos.  He loves to read.  He loves to be a big brother. He spends all day playing with Justus and they never tire of it.  He takes care of Cole and loves to teach him new things and drag him into anything he's playing. He loves to sit with Brody and to make him smile.  He is sensitive, doesn't miss a word or a look.  He never wants to stop playing and never wants to sleep.  He loves music and movies.  He plays his music so loud and leaps around while it plays. He blinks back his tears when he wants to be brave, and jumps up and down and up and down with joy when he is happy.  He speaks what is on his mind.  He doesn't pretend to like someone or something if he doesn't.   His favorite character in any story is the villain. 
He loves to anticipate - Maine, the beach, summer, seeing people he loves. 
He loves to snuggle up with me and give me a special "we're buddies" smile, and he spends hours on end playing with Tom, his best buddy.
I am thankful.  Thankful for the ups and downs and the thousands of little moments that have made these six years and that make up our every days....thankful that when you're family you're stuck together.  Thankful for grace - grace for my own parenting and grace that makes me know I don't have to fear the future for my boys.
I always, always want my boys to know they are loved.  That's my number 1 thing.  Loved by God and loved by us.  Always, no matter what. 
My deepest prayer is that Simeon knows that, deep down....

A battle

This post-partum time is always a tough one for me. I am now past the "adjustment to a new family member" time and in the "I haven't had a good night's sleep in so long and it's really wearing on me" time.
I find myself facing an inner battle very often. One side says "you need to FIGURE THIS OUT. Read, research, ask for advice until you find the secret to helping Brody sleep. You will not find peace until you do."
The other side, whose voice is much calmer and quieter says "This is a small phase of parenting this boy, a very small one, and God has got you. Get up when you need to and don't complain. God has got you."
The fight is the fiercest in the middle of the night. I can feel myself clenching my fists and my jaw and thinking "what am I doing wrong, why isn't he a better sleeper?!". And the Holy Spirit reminds me gently that the secret of joy in this life is not found in my comfort nor in my eight hours of sleep.
It was a breakthrough for me when I realized that all of "God's way" for me as His child is really "THE best way" for me. That I don't need to seek Him in shaky times because He told me to, but because He is the source of all true peace, and isn't that what I most want?
Would I prefer to be well rested or to have my soul at rest?
Last night as a family we read about how God's Word is a sword and I found myself feeling happy because the devotional was speaking the language of my weapon-loving boys.... But in the middle of the night I thought about it again. A sword is really powerful.
Without Christ, all I would have to get me through this phase would be sleep books, hours of searching on the internet and pity parties.
Why do I keep choosing to live like that?
God's Word is a sword, His truth can demolish the fears and panic that creep into my heart at night. His truth speaks life into my body on tired days.
He loves me the same and holds me the same no matter which way I choose to go in my mind....
But as for me, I want peace!!
He is the Giver of all joy, all peace.... Pray with me that I keep choosing HIM!

Fall

I will be back to writing on this blog, very soon I hope. In the meantime....

190)My body letting me climb mountains at 35 weeks pregnant
191)crisp, yummy apples
192)Tom getting surprise days off!
193)all the sunlight that comes into our living room
194)the cradle swing that helps my boy sleep
195)whoopie pies
196)naïveté
197)a Saturday morning when no one has anywhere to go
198)whipped cream on my morning coffee
199)homemade baby blankets
200)a glimpse into a different culture
201)snuggling close to the one I love
202)waffles fresh from the waffle iron
203)being surprised by joy
204)Shoprite grocery delivery service
205)a sleeping baby
206)really good iced tea
207)leaves changing color
208)a big brother caring for a little brother
209)a road trip on a sunny day

back to active blessing counting....

155) rereading a favorite book and remembering why it was a favorite
156) dinner table talks
157) Psalm 100
158) anticipating a night of board games and yummy pie with Tom
159) my boys' imaginations
160) Trader Jo's vanilla jo-jos
161) Cole's love for his Hug-a-Bible
162) discovering new music
163)Tom grilling dinner
164) naming a baby
165) all the hugs and kisses between 3 little boys before every naptime and bedtime
166) hearing my boy tell me he's looking forward to heaven because there will be no night
167) an unexpected breeze on a hot day
168) a breakfast date at a diner with Simeon
169) Cole saying "ah duh" (all done) every time we finish a book
170) boys snuggling with Daddy
171) when Tom makes the morning coffee
172)little boys' morning bed hair
173) comfy pajama pants
174) really good coffee ice cream
175)the Summer Olympics
176) roasting marshmallows over a fire
177)listening to my boys make up "spooky stories"
178) a sky full of stars
179) quiet
180) waking up before everyone else
181) a perfect Pandora station
182) winning a prize at a fair on your first try
183) innocence
184) no cell phone service
185) a mama's heart that feels like it could burst
186)watching my littlest boy jump inside my belly
187) knowing that because of Christ in me things don't need to stay as they were
188)listening to The Milk Carton Kids
189) waking up in Maine

My days

I had started a post which would have been long and wordy, and which I might come out with sometime soon...
But in the meantime I was spending a few quiet moments drinking ice water (I finally get what some people just love about ice cubes) and re-reading one of our books of "stories" by Brian Andreas and I came upon this, one of my favorites. And I realized that all of the words that I would have come up with would be trying to say what this says so simply.
So instead I took a picture to share.

I've loved our summer days, many start out as a blank box on the calendar (my very favorite kind of day) and they end up filled with lots of talks and questions and creativity and games and dancing and tickling and yummy food creations and sometimes crying and arguing and discipline and even more talks.... About the whys and hows and the future and how much God loves us and why do we need to be kind? and the choices we have and how even though I'm a mom and not a kid my days are filled with choices. And aren't they?!!!
I thank my God for TIME, for the uncluttered, simple days that I have with these boys.
I feel acutely aware of the preciousness of it.
Life has seasons and come September our days won't be quite this simple but I thank God for today.
And I thank Him for the truth that this joy I have in my heart today can be found even on the busy days.
"I have learned the secret of being content..." Philippians 4
But today I'm thankful for a not busy day....