Unraveled

I shared before that it's been a hard season for me, a hard season that I kept hoping to make my way up out of.

Dark, no - I wouldn't say it's been dark.

But I've been living with an almost constant feeling of "I just can't keep up". I feel as though I run on empty and spend my days scurrying from one thing to another - someone yelling my name to another, one mess to another, one "look at me!" to another, one hungry person to another, one "Mommy, I'm done!!!" to another. 

And I do it all and give it my all but there's always this sense of not doing it any of it well.  Because really, how can I, when I can't sit down and give any one situation the eye level, uninterrupted attention that I feel it deserves? 

I've had multiple breakdowns, and I've been yearning for some sense of calm in my everyday that I haven't found.

Unraveled.

Just a few weeks ago it hit me, and this might sound depressing, but somehow to me, it was anything but. 

This is the sacrifice I'm making with my life. I am going to pour myself out, completely, every day, for many years to come. 

I am not making myself a martyr the slightest bit because raising these boys is my greatest joy and being with them is what I most want to do. If you know me, you know that's true.

But I have four kids, and they are very close in age, and I am happily choosing to homeschool as well, and if I raise these boys the way I feel like God wants me to, then I will have to use every bit of energy I have, every day. And every night I most likely will feel like "I've got nothing"...

But He keeps filling me up.

And therein lies my hope.

I had been wanting to be able to wake up in the mornings thinking "I got this".

I had been hoping for a sense of put-togetherness, in my house and in my days that frankly, I don't think can be found in this house with my boys of 7, 5, 3 and 1. 

But that's ok.

My laundry is piled and my hair hasn't looked very special in a long time and there are a lot of dusty corners.  A LOT of dusty corners.  And oh, the circles under my eyes.

I have accepted this "hard" season as being a lot longer than I had initially hoped. But it doesn't seem as hard somehow.  Draining, yes. But it is my joyful reality, and I am thankful, unbelievably thankful.