Thriving in Maine

Thursday, August 21st- Tom has hernia surgery

Friday, August 22nd- Tom sits, I pack and clean

Saturday, August 23rd 5 am- we leave for Maine!  If you have to sit and recover for a week, is there a better place to do it?  I would argue no.

I love Maine, my heart and soul and body love Maine, and my children love Maine.

It was wonderful.  

I will let the pictures speak for themselves:) 

We are thankful, in withdrawal, and when can we go back?!

Unraveled

I shared before that it's been a hard season for me, a hard season that I kept hoping to make my way up out of.

Dark, no - I wouldn't say it's been dark.

But I've been living with an almost constant feeling of "I just can't keep up". I feel as though I run on empty and spend my days scurrying from one thing to another - someone yelling my name to another, one mess to another, one "look at me!" to another, one hungry person to another, one "Mommy, I'm done!!!" to another. 

And I do it all and give it my all but there's always this sense of not doing it any of it well.  Because really, how can I, when I can't sit down and give any one situation the eye level, uninterrupted attention that I feel it deserves? 

I've had multiple breakdowns, and I've been yearning for some sense of calm in my everyday that I haven't found.

Unraveled.

Just a few weeks ago it hit me, and this might sound depressing, but somehow to me, it was anything but. 

This is the sacrifice I'm making with my life. I am going to pour myself out, completely, every day, for many years to come. 

I am not making myself a martyr the slightest bit because raising these boys is my greatest joy and being with them is what I most want to do. If you know me, you know that's true.

But I have four kids, and they are very close in age, and I am happily choosing to homeschool as well, and if I raise these boys the way I feel like God wants me to, then I will have to use every bit of energy I have, every day. And every night I most likely will feel like "I've got nothing"...

But He keeps filling me up.

And therein lies my hope.

I had been wanting to be able to wake up in the mornings thinking "I got this".

I had been hoping for a sense of put-togetherness, in my house and in my days that frankly, I don't think can be found in this house with my boys of 7, 5, 3 and 1. 

But that's ok.

My laundry is piled and my hair hasn't looked very special in a long time and there are a lot of dusty corners.  A LOT of dusty corners.  And oh, the circles under my eyes.

I have accepted this "hard" season as being a lot longer than I had initially hoped. But it doesn't seem as hard somehow.  Draining, yes. But it is my joyful reality, and I am thankful, unbelievably thankful.

Our Easter family tumble

I can't look at this sequence of events without laughing out loud, laughing out loud quite hard.

No one knows how it happened, but as you can see we all toppled over on top of each other while trying to get a family photo.  Megan kept on snapping pictures, and I'm so glad she did. I'm posting these because I hope to capture the silly, carefree, happy, full of thanks feel of these moments, mostly for my own heart to come back and remember.

It was a happy Easter. I feel thankful that we spent the week celebrating Jesus in all kinds of ways and I am now wanting our normal weeks to be more of celebrating Jesus in all kinds of ways. I feel like we just can't go wrong with that...

Hold me Jesus

This morning I walked upstairs into the boys' room and was overwhelmed by the mess that I saw.  It seemed like every single toy was out, and I saw a disaster. My two older boys were up there and I don't know what my words were exactly, but they were not happy nor affirming. I think I sounded like the mom that none of us really want to be.  I let them know that they wouldn't do much of anything until it was all cleaned up, and how many times have I told them to put things away before they get out something new?

Simeon's spirit looked crushed, and crushing one of my boys' spirits is close to the top of my list of things I never want to do. His eyes were sad, and hurt, and he started to cry.  

"Are you crying because you just don't want to clean up, or are you sad?"

"I'm sad."

I looked more carefully and saw clearly what I had not before - that there was a masterpiece in the middle of the mess - that my boy had taken every little animal he could find and had separated them into groups and built mountains and seas and plains for them.  There was an ocean and a jungle and a land of dinasours and a farm and the arctic and it he had worked so hard. 

I looked him in the eyes and told him I was sorry - that it turns out that a lot of times mommies don't see what we should. That he is a super creative, really great kid and what he made was really, really awesome. When I saw only a big mess, I was missing out.  

There's so many different things I can "see" and "hear" when I look at and listen to these boys.  We all just want to be really seen, really heard, for people to think we have to say, or create, is really special.  Oh God, help me.

I had a long talk with my best friend today, and it was just about the best thing that could've happened for me right now.  She lives 35 minutes away but it might as well be hours because our days are full to overflowing taking care of our kids and keeping house and loving our husbands, and lately weeks and weeks go by between our talks and my soul just needs to feel connected. So tonight I feel thankful.

I've been finding my way through a rough season in which I have felt short-fused, lonely and unraveled.

The good thing about it is my ache for God has grown and grown...

And I know, yes I know that being aching and weak is better than feeling like I've got things down and I'm strong. Rich Mullins said it this way: 

"I would rather live on the verge of falling and let my security be in the all sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistical illusion of moral excellence. Not that I don't want to be morally excellent but my faith isn't in the idea that I am more moral than anyone else. My faith is the idea that God and His love are greater than any of the sins we commit." 

Hold me Jesus.

Mulligatawny Soup

Everybody has their own definition of "comfort food". This is mine.It is our favorite recipe. I love cooking, cookbooks, cooking magazines, and finding new recipes is one of my very happiest things.This is my best one. And this soup and this weather are a perfect combination.We were given a copy of The Joy of Cooking as a wedding gift from Tom's sister and brother-in-law, and there were a few recipes throughout that Carrie had marked with a tiny black asterisk. And one day, probably about 5 years ago, I noticed this little star and decided to give it a try. It's perfect. Please try it.  If you make it successfully, and don't like it, well then we have different palates. And sadly, you're missing out. I've changed a few small things, so this version is my own, perfect mulligatawny soup.  (I've seen other recipes with this name that don't seem at all like this, so I'm not sure of its authenticity, but I'm ok with that).         PS: Don't leave out the Granny Smith apples.  They are worth an extra little trip to the store if you happen to forget them.

Mulligatawny soup 

About 1 1/2 lbs boneless skinless chicken thighs, cut into bite size pieces

3 Tbsp vegetable oil

1 onion, thinly sliced

2 garlic cloves, minced 

1 inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and minced

1 Tbsp curry powder

4 cups chicken stock

1/2 tsp salt

1 can coconut milk 

Hot cooked rice

Chopped Granny Smith apples 

Heat vegetable oil over medium-high heat in a soup pot or Dutch oven. 

Add sliced onion, and cook, stirring now and then, until golden brown - 7 or 8 minutes.

Add garlic, ginger and curry powder - cook and stir for about 30 seconds.

(This part needed a picture.  When it looks like this, the aroma is like no other. Your whole house will smell heavenly)

Add the chicken, along with 2 Tbsp of water.Cook, stirring, until chicken loses its raw color, 3 to 4 minutes. 

Stir in chicken stock and salt.

Bring to a boil, reduce heat to medium, and summer until the chicken is cooked through, about 20 minutes.

Add a can of coconut milk and summer for a few more minutes, just to heat through. 

Serve over hot rice. Garnish with chopped Granny Smith apples.

We ate it tonight after a chilly snowy day, and we are happy:)

Let's make it a walking year

I have suddenly realized my New Year's Resolution.  Truthfully, I wasn't looking for a resolution, I'm not much of a resolution maker BUT some events as of late have made me realize that my younger two spend a significantly less amount of time on walks than the older two did.

As a mom of one, and of two, I walked daily, and the boys chattered away and watched the sky through the leaves and branches and we spotted birds and bunnies and squirrels and bugs and people we knew and bridges and cars of every color.  

When all the kids can't easily get popped into a stroller, walks don't seem quite as "easy" ... 

Yet walks refuel my soul, fresh air does us all such good, and being outside is my favorite. so I plan to walk more this year. 

Homeschool perk: maybe even early walks before we start school in the morning once the weather warms up? We will see:) 

Ps I'm also hoping to blog more. Good start, right? 

Happy 8 years to us

Today is our anniversary.  I've been thinking a lot lately about love, specifically love in marriage.

What do I want our love to look like?  When it's all said and done, what is the most important part of how we loved?

I really think that, for me, it comes down to this: I want us to be grace-extenders, taking each other as we are. And I want us to cling to each other. Tightly.

I often wonder if we should try to "sharpen" each other more than we do; whether there should be more "exhortation" than there is...

For me, it becomes very easy to think that it is my job to sanctify Tom.

That is not my job.                              That is the Holy Spirit's job.

And the truth is that over these past 8 years, God has taken over my heart more than I ever saw coming.  He has changed me and I know peace like I never have.

And this has happened while married to the greatest giver-of-grace that I have known.  

I don't know that I would have grown more, or come to know God more deeply if Tom had been pointing out to me what he thinks could be improved.

He loves me as I am and God works me from the inside out.

To me, that feels right.

It's easy to find things in each other that we wish were different, or that we think should be different. And maybe they should...

but that is not my job.

So I've decided that this is what I want for us:  to love and to cling.

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Music

I

Every year in Maine I fall in love all over again with music.

We play music all day, and all night.  We choose from our 50+ pandora stations based on the mood, or whose turn it is to choose.  The boys are stuck on the Jack Johnson kids station.  At night we listen to Rain for Roots.  Last year it was the Milk Carton Kids station that got me.

This year it is Dawes.

I am a lover of music, it hits me in deep places. Lyrics do, but also melodies, and chord progressions.  I love when songs are so simple and beautiful that I think, "it amazes me that this has never been written before."

That, to me, is the most intriguing part...

there are such a small amount of notes to choose from, yet new melodies are born every day and we will never run out of new melodies to be made. 

Beautiful.

Sigh.

And i still have a few more days to breathe in deep this Maine air.  

Nothing compares.

Thank you God.

Back again

I was just telling a friend last night that I want to get back to blogging, but the longer I don't blog, the more I feel like its gotta be a "good one" when I do come back. When I lived in Japan I blogged so often that I could stop in with just a sentence or two, and I liked that.  My life was also overflowing with blog-worthy material at the time...all the Engrish, funny encounters and once in a life time happenings. Encounters with wild pigs, misunderstandings, papers from Tom's students that made us laugh so hard it really hurt...

I was alone for most of the hours of my day when I lived there. My life could not be more different now.  My life is so full and my heart is so full.  Megan told me recently of something she heard... When someone says to you "you must have your hands full" a good response could be "you should see my heart!" Or something like that. And although I doubt ill ever say that to someone (I prefer to not initiate awkward moments in conversation with strangers), that is it for me right now. My days are full and my heart is full with this family God gave me.  

I am tired most of the time and the days often feel long and I have one that never stops talking and one that whines a lot as of late. and a third born whom I think we have spoiled just a bit (oops) and a baby that now quickly scoots through the whole house.  

But to me they are JOY. 

All my moments aren't full of nothing but joy, but my big picture of this house and our working through life and God-following together really is joy and I couldn't be more thankful.

So maybe i will try to share more little snippets of our life.

We are about to enter into a new homeschool stage that excites me greatly.  And oh, I've been asking God constantly to guide me as I really want to raise these boys His way, and what does that look like? And the truth that has somewhat transformed me and my level of peace - do not worry about tomorrow. Trust Me - is one Ive been clinging to and choosing each day. (If you ask me, it's a secret to happiness. And I didn't make it up, Jesus said it clearly:)

I've had more days than normal lately of thinking "am I messing this up?" 

But I am choosing grace - it covers me and i can know that this isn't about me. And may I be a grace giver to all those around me.  

PS if you ever want some good laughs, my blog from Japan is www.xanga.com/libbyruth 

Spring

Spring makes my heart happy.
Windows open, breeze blowing, evenings chilly enough for a hoodie or a blanket...
The trees are blooming and flowers are popping up and I remember that going for walks is my very favorite thing to do.
My boys run and play and ride bikes and adopt worms and accidentally injure their adopted worms...
They get dirty and stay up later and roll around in the grass and play soccer and run and run...
They play harder, sleep better, and their mama is rediscovering the light and the joy that once was...
And everything looks brighter and I think there's a twinkle in my eye that was gone for awhile...
And even on the days of questions I see my Light and I wrestle with how can I live for God, really live with Him and for Him, in a world that just doesn't.
And how can I raise my kids, today, to know that this isn't it... That all this joy we have, it's from Him, and it's just a taste. Just keep looking, we were meant for Him, and when you look for what will really make you happy boys... look for HIM, you'll find Him.
Tears pour out as I write this, because for me, this is it. This is what I want for my days...

Surprised by joy

Lately I've mentally written a few posts but they've never made it as far as this. My mind is full lately and my heart is often bursting, sometimes with joy, sometimes with ideas, or passion...
I think it's because I'm truly coming out of that dreary, draining time of pregnancy/postpartum....
And when I do I feel alive. I feel alive to emotions, alive to relationships. I think to myself "this is what I used to be like!" And there is joy around every little corner where for so long I have struggled to find joy.
I can feel again... really feel! Such desire to truly feel and truly live and love... Even when it's a little messy and painful, cause it often is.
I feel a desire to hold on tightly to my boys' hands as they walk through dark days and to spend more time on my knees begging for words to say to those dear boys on those dark days.
I want to really love deeply, for "love covers a multitude of sins"... And I'm surrounded by beautiful broken people and instead of scratching at each other, we can choose to love each other and in that there is such grace and grace is always beautiful. I can't love like this on my own... In fact I'm quite stuck up on my own, but Christ is in me and He wouldn't call us to love like that if HE couldn't do it for us.
And oh, I'm awakened to the beauty of marriage and the gift that Tom is. We have the most unique chance to be grace givers every day and we get to be partners as we make our way down this path and in the everyday with Him there is such beauty.
These days can be long and I can feel tired and the flu really gets us down and I can feel like there are too many decisions and that there's never enough money and what if we do the wrong thing?
But God is with me and He is in me and HE IS GOOD. I need not fear.
I thank Him today for the aliveness that I feel to life and to Him, for joy and new mercies that come in the morning.
He is walking with us and He is for us and let's just all hold on tight to Him, in Him there is an abundant life, I just know that to be true.

Simeon is 6

I am not a poet.  Not at all.  I wish I were, only because I think if I were a poet then there would be more of a chance of being able to write good songs.  I tell Tom that that is one of the few things I wish about my life that isn't so...I wish I could write songs. 
So I really appreciate those who are, and lately I have appreciated blog entries like this one that left me crying like a baby and songs like this one that i sometimes listen to early in the morning to help make right a wrong perspective.  I love them not because they validate my exhaustion and put to words myheart everyday (which they do) but because lately I feel knocked off my feet with the privilege of being a mother.
This life that leaves me literally falling into bed many nights is the one that brings me more moments of joy that I would have imagined possible.  It's in the nonstop, sometimes messy loving of my house full of boys that I come alive and God always meets me right in the middle of it all and I would ask for nothing else.
My oldest boy turns 6 today.  I remember well the months of carrying him - I was in Japan, with nothing to do and no friends.  I would walk the streets of Kobe every day and I felt strangely aware that the craziest life change was about to take place - I would go from being alone, with nothing to do, for most of my days, to never ever being alone, for a very long time.  I knew that someone completely dependant on me was about to fill my days. What a privilege, and what a bringer of joy Simeon has been to my life. 
I feel blessed, so blessed to be his mom, so blessed to be the mom of his brothers. 

Simeon amazes me every day with his creativity.  He is an artist, a really good artist. He pays great attention to detail and takes time to do something well.  He's creative.  He loves dragons and knights and fairy tales and dinasours and legos.  He loves to read.  He loves to be a big brother. He spends all day playing with Justus and they never tire of it.  He takes care of Cole and loves to teach him new things and drag him into anything he's playing. He loves to sit with Brody and to make him smile.  He is sensitive, doesn't miss a word or a look.  He never wants to stop playing and never wants to sleep.  He loves music and movies.  He plays his music so loud and leaps around while it plays. He blinks back his tears when he wants to be brave, and jumps up and down and up and down with joy when he is happy.  He speaks what is on his mind.  He doesn't pretend to like someone or something if he doesn't.   His favorite character in any story is the villain. 
He loves to anticipate - Maine, the beach, summer, seeing people he loves. 
He loves to snuggle up with me and give me a special "we're buddies" smile, and he spends hours on end playing with Tom, his best buddy.
I am thankful.  Thankful for the ups and downs and the thousands of little moments that have made these six years and that make up our every days....thankful that when you're family you're stuck together.  Thankful for grace - grace for my own parenting and grace that makes me know I don't have to fear the future for my boys.
I always, always want my boys to know they are loved.  That's my number 1 thing.  Loved by God and loved by us.  Always, no matter what. 
My deepest prayer is that Simeon knows that, deep down....

A battle

This post-partum time is always a tough one for me. I am now past the "adjustment to a new family member" time and in the "I haven't had a good night's sleep in so long and it's really wearing on me" time.
I find myself facing an inner battle very often. One side says "you need to FIGURE THIS OUT. Read, research, ask for advice until you find the secret to helping Brody sleep. You will not find peace until you do."
The other side, whose voice is much calmer and quieter says "This is a small phase of parenting this boy, a very small one, and God has got you. Get up when you need to and don't complain. God has got you."
The fight is the fiercest in the middle of the night. I can feel myself clenching my fists and my jaw and thinking "what am I doing wrong, why isn't he a better sleeper?!". And the Holy Spirit reminds me gently that the secret of joy in this life is not found in my comfort nor in my eight hours of sleep.
It was a breakthrough for me when I realized that all of "God's way" for me as His child is really "THE best way" for me. That I don't need to seek Him in shaky times because He told me to, but because He is the source of all true peace, and isn't that what I most want?
Would I prefer to be well rested or to have my soul at rest?
Last night as a family we read about how God's Word is a sword and I found myself feeling happy because the devotional was speaking the language of my weapon-loving boys.... But in the middle of the night I thought about it again. A sword is really powerful.
Without Christ, all I would have to get me through this phase would be sleep books, hours of searching on the internet and pity parties.
Why do I keep choosing to live like that?
God's Word is a sword, His truth can demolish the fears and panic that creep into my heart at night. His truth speaks life into my body on tired days.
He loves me the same and holds me the same no matter which way I choose to go in my mind....
But as for me, I want peace!!
He is the Giver of all joy, all peace.... Pray with me that I keep choosing HIM!

Fall

I will be back to writing on this blog, very soon I hope. In the meantime....

190)My body letting me climb mountains at 35 weeks pregnant
191)crisp, yummy apples
192)Tom getting surprise days off!
193)all the sunlight that comes into our living room
194)the cradle swing that helps my boy sleep
195)whoopie pies
196)naïveté
197)a Saturday morning when no one has anywhere to go
198)whipped cream on my morning coffee
199)homemade baby blankets
200)a glimpse into a different culture
201)snuggling close to the one I love
202)waffles fresh from the waffle iron
203)being surprised by joy
204)Shoprite grocery delivery service
205)a sleeping baby
206)really good iced tea
207)leaves changing color
208)a big brother caring for a little brother
209)a road trip on a sunny day

back to active blessing counting....

155) rereading a favorite book and remembering why it was a favorite
156) dinner table talks
157) Psalm 100
158) anticipating a night of board games and yummy pie with Tom
159) my boys' imaginations
160) Trader Jo's vanilla jo-jos
161) Cole's love for his Hug-a-Bible
162) discovering new music
163)Tom grilling dinner
164) naming a baby
165) all the hugs and kisses between 3 little boys before every naptime and bedtime
166) hearing my boy tell me he's looking forward to heaven because there will be no night
167) an unexpected breeze on a hot day
168) a breakfast date at a diner with Simeon
169) Cole saying "ah duh" (all done) every time we finish a book
170) boys snuggling with Daddy
171) when Tom makes the morning coffee
172)little boys' morning bed hair
173) comfy pajama pants
174) really good coffee ice cream
175)the Summer Olympics
176) roasting marshmallows over a fire
177)listening to my boys make up "spooky stories"
178) a sky full of stars
179) quiet
180) waking up before everyone else
181) a perfect Pandora station
182) winning a prize at a fair on your first try
183) innocence
184) no cell phone service
185) a mama's heart that feels like it could burst
186)watching my littlest boy jump inside my belly
187) knowing that because of Christ in me things don't need to stay as they were
188)listening to The Milk Carton Kids
189) waking up in Maine

My days

I had started a post which would have been long and wordy, and which I might come out with sometime soon...
But in the meantime I was spending a few quiet moments drinking ice water (I finally get what some people just love about ice cubes) and re-reading one of our books of "stories" by Brian Andreas and I came upon this, one of my favorites. And I realized that all of the words that I would have come up with would be trying to say what this says so simply.
So instead I took a picture to share.

I've loved our summer days, many start out as a blank box on the calendar (my very favorite kind of day) and they end up filled with lots of talks and questions and creativity and games and dancing and tickling and yummy food creations and sometimes crying and arguing and discipline and even more talks.... About the whys and hows and the future and how much God loves us and why do we need to be kind? and the choices we have and how even though I'm a mom and not a kid my days are filled with choices. And aren't they?!!!
I thank my God for TIME, for the uncluttered, simple days that I have with these boys.
I feel acutely aware of the preciousness of it.
Life has seasons and come September our days won't be quite this simple but I thank God for today.
And I thank Him for the truth that this joy I have in my heart today can be found even on the busy days.
"I have learned the secret of being content..." Philippians 4
But today I'm thankful for a not busy day....