today

so it's been one of those days, weeks, months.... however long it may last.
and this is how i've been feeling -
weary.... self-focused...incapable...weepy....impatient.... critical....beat...lazy...unstable...
yet oddly enough i still feel this deep sense of peace in my heart, "on Christ the solid rock i stand". really these days I feel like it's more like on Christ the solid rock I lay, or lean, or something other than stand.
i've seen my focus be less on God and more on me... i can tell that's happening when many thoughts run through my head such as "shoot, should i not have said that?", or "what do they think of me now"...
and I can hear my own voice, at a much more Spirit-filled moment of my life saying "Elisabeth, that is not what matters."
and it really isn't...
When I become big in my own eyes things get ugly. I have my rights to sleep, to rest, to be taken care of, and that is just not how it needs to be when I am Jesus' and He is filling me.
ugh.
it's ok to be weary and beat and weepy and i will sometimes think critical, selfish, prideful thoughts, but please God, fill me with you....
that is my prayer today.