let Him

Don't try to hold God's hand; let Him hold yours.
Let Him do the holding and you do the trusting."

H. Willian Webb- Peploe

This Peace

So many words to say, but I'm opting for silence
So many days to live
I thinking I'm sitting this one out
Cause something I've been chasing finally stopped to let me catch it
Something I've been longing for and dreaming of. . . .

It's a whisper in my ear
It's a shiver up my spine
It's the gratitude I feel for all that's right
It's a mystery appeal that's been granted me tonight
This peace

It's something so elusive
Something close but far away
It's the home that I can't live in yet somewhere in outer space
And sometimes I barely miss it when I walk into the room
The curtains are still swaying and I feel the air move

And it whispers in my ear and it shivers up my spine
It's the gratitude I feel for all that's right
It's a mystery appeal that's been granted me tonight
This peace

No time to grab a camera
No time to write it down
Just time enough to breathe it in
And linger . . . . . . .
It's a whisper in my ear
It's a shiver up my spine
It's the gratitude I feel for all that's right
It's a mystery appeal that's been granted me tonight
This peace
This peace

This Peace - Sara Groves

little boys lovin' life

hard to get

and death strikes again. it always takes us anaware...
and no matter how much I know that life is uncertain, that i have no clue what's in store for tomorrow, that tragedy will strike in this sin-scarred world, never am i prepared for it.
not him....
not them... not now!
back to simple faith, like a child.... I tell my boys that he is with Jesus now, living with Him instead, and to them that seems to make sense.
but what about the people left here, what about the pain?
we are all dying... and this world is not our home. it really isn't.
God is good, I do not doubt that, not at all in fact.
But somehow I feel like it's easier for me to trust for myself, that if I were to lose the person closest to me, that God would be enough, that His promises and truth would be all I had yet all I really needed...yet it's not me, it's others that are in pain.
and its harder to trust God for someone else.
"Nothing can separate you from My love. not even death".
But what about the pain???....
Simeon asked "Do you think Elijah's grandpop is asking God if he can come back to Elijah's house?"
Don't we wish we knew, buddy.
I do trust, and I believe God is good.
what else is there??
yet i don't get it.

and that makes three

ITS A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

it doesn't take much...

its been awhile since i've added to my list....


76)the start of football season
77)hope
78)New York Times crossword puzzles
79)knowing the perfect thing to do to make someone you love happy
80)deep breaths
81)a baby kicking inside of you
82)jumproping
83)a new friend
84)the perfect book that you can't wait to snatch a minute with
85)lazy days
86)the Psalms
87)salads
88)your birthday week

almost-fall days and a little entertainment

Justus loves to sing these days. When we all shared a room in Colorado we learned that he wakes up every morning and sings and sings. The featured songs are "Twinkle, Twinkle", "You Never Let Go" and "King of the Jungle".... just in case it wasn't completely clear =)

The weather today is amazing. Glorious. Every year when these cool, breezy, crisp, almost-hoodie type of days start popping up I am invigorated from the inside out and I think "it's amazing that the weather can do this to a person." But it can. Thank you Jesus for September. Ah.... breathe it in...

I've had some harder days with more turmoil in my heart than I would like and less sleep than I would like... but I am hearing God's voice rise above the others and that makes it OK. "Trust me." He says that a lot to me. My sister reminded me recently of one of my favorite quotes by the late and wise Rich Mullin that starts with "I would rather live on the verge of falling than to live in some kind of piotistic illusion of moral excellence..." oh, i really would. but so often when I'm on the verge of falling it's uncomfortable and I want to feel more steady and grounded and so I work to right my thinking and fix myself.... but that's right where God wants me. leaning really hard. I don't have to be OK and "figured out" at all moments.... really the kind of life I yearn to live is full of faith that comes from not being figured out at all. God, keep me on the verge of falling.

"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD". that is what I hear in the wind this afternoon.

thankful

Tom got a new job.

He's teaching ESL at the University of Delaware and he loves it.

I thought I should share, since I've surely shared of my struggles with trusting and faith.

We've been praying for a job like this for him for years and we are so, so thankful.

We don't want to stop living by faith though, not at all...

please pray that with us.

And today makes 5 years that he and I are a team and it has been a wonderful adventure.

I feel so, so blessed....

the story of the stomach bug and the boy with no clothes

So off we went to an Open House at Ben and Melissa's... we were just pulling into our parking spot when Justus threw up all over his clothes - really all over his clothes - no choice but to take them off. So in we went... Justy sporting his diaper, socks, and sneakers.

...but soon after whatever had hit him moved to the other end and his diaper was quite soiled....no problem, though, of course we have a back-up.

Yet soon after the back-up diaper was terribly unusable as well.... which left justus with no diaper and no wearable clothes! what to do for the way home?

Create a plastic bag/duct tape/ napkin "diaper-all" of course!

it did the trick, and boy did he look good.....

just a taste of our awesome trip in pictures....

its finally time to go!!!

i've got nothing to say....

mr. independent doesn't like this hiking situation....

Simeon's favorite part of each hike was the snack....

Telluride. amazing.

wow

"I'm the king of the rock!"

me and baby climbed a mountain!!

i wish i could say it was easy....

but oh so worth it=)



"I'm not a cowboy", he says.

"I'm just a basketball player riding a horse."

the ends of good things are bittersweet for me.

i felt such thankfulness knowing that i was coming back

home with the 3 that are my world...

we still get to be together.

those mountains.....wow.

thank you my God for Colorado!

mountains here I come!!

we're leaving in two days for vacation in Colorado.
i have been daydreaming about being in the mountains for months, and it's almost here.
i love mountains - so much so that they are really my comparison for all euphoric experiences in my life...anything that just really feels beyond explaining... the way that it makes me feel deep down - i compare it to being in the presence of, or even better yet, on the top of a great mountain. and soon i will be surrounded by them for 9 days. thank you God.
i've learned that having expectations is never good for me - the best that can happen is that they will be fulfilled, which isn't really that amazing if that's what I had already planned out and hoped for. it's so much freer to leave room for God to surprise me.
so I do my best to live life expectation free. This isn't always easy, yet I like it.
I am going into this vacation without many expectations - except for the mountains of course.
They will surely not disappoint me.
my boys are in their room pretending to take a bath in their pretend chimney. other than the occasional injury, which sounds tragic yet can be fixed with a mommy kiss, they play together great these days. the chimney game is a favorite right now - i think it stemmed from the big bad wolf story, yet it's taken on a life of its own.
I love to just listen to them talk and laugh and imagine.
we're hoping to move soon, and just these past few days I have had a few drastic emotional ups and downs - finding houses that I loved and briefly and happily imagined our family in (which of course was perfect in my mind) - only to shortly thereafter find out that it won't work.
I think to myself "why do I have to go for it 100% in my mind - can't i hold back a little bit and then the disappointment won't be so strong?"
but i think that's just life, and that's just me. as long as these ups and downs don't really shake me. I do have faith. I trust that God knows the big picture, and He's taking care of us.
If our finances, and Tom's job, and our house was all easy and figured out, then we wouldn't so easily feel the need for our faith the way we desperately do. I don't think I would trade that. No, I wouldn't. What would life be without active faith in our God? Faith that deepens....
Justus' vocabulary has exploded this summer, he tells us everything on his mind and it's precious. My favorite right now is "I wove woo Mom, I wove woo", (strong emphasis on the word "woo"), said while pointing straight at me.
=)
We are excited for airplanes, for mountains, for new places, for seeing old friends.... cooler weather, good quality time with family, hikes, lots of cribbage, fun music in our rental car....
we're so excited.
Colorado or bust!!

a song

Fool with a Fancy Guitar - Andrew Peterson

It's so easy to cash in these chips on my shoulder
So easy to loose this old tongue like a tiger
It's easy to let all this bitterness smolder
Just to hide it away like a cigarette lighter

It's easy to curse and to hurt and to hinder
It's easy to not have the heart to remember
That I am a priest and a prince in the Kingdom of God

I've got voices that scream in my head like a siren
Fears that I feel in the night when I sleep
Stupid choices I made when I played in the mire
Like a kid in the mud on some dirty blind street

I've got sorrow to spare, I've got loneliness too
I've got blood on these hands that hold on to the truth
That I am a priest and a prince in the Kingdom of God

Well I swore on the Bible to not tell a lie
But I've lied and lied
And I've crossed my heart and I hoped to die
And I've died and died

But if it's true that You've gathered my sin in your hand
And you cast it as far as the east from the west
If it's true that you put on the flesh of a man
And you walked in my shoes through the shadow of death

If its true that you dwell in the halls of my heart
Then I'm not just a fool with a fancy guitar
No, I am a priest and a prince in the Kingdom of God

In seasons of life like this one I'm in, what's really in my heart seems to most easily be identified and expressed through songs. Right now, this is the song for me.
Right now my thoughts are often confused, paradoxical, shifting, aching, yet deep down my heart has a death grip on God's truth.
These lyrics, for me right now, describe life as a follower of God and I love them and listen to them daily.
please read these, soak them in.
oh, we are not without hope.
it's beautiful, it's true, and it's really all we've got.

slugs & bugs & lullabies

this has been the the soundtrack of life lately in our house, and I like it too much to not share it, recommend it.
It's fun music, and I love the way that one CD, even one song, can combine silly fun music with tight family love messages with the truth that Jesus is all that really matters, and it all flows perfectly.... really just the way I think our lives should be... =)
and it makes my boys oh so happy.

my heart

It's been a hard summer. Honestly I have not had much to write, therefore I haven't been blogging. Don't get me wrong - I have thoughts - and many of them - but they are often raw and confused and shifting - and I sometimes wonder if I'm just a little too emotionally tender to make myself vulnerable by sharing my thoughts in their raw-ness.
Other times I just feel so tired that I just can't.
This has been the summer of me being sick and Darla, arguably my dearest friend, being really really sick. And that has been it.
Life goes on of course - Tom goes to work every day, my kids need to be fed and loved and cleaned and played with....but time, for me, has been quite strange - like I am somewhat in a little bubble.
"Is this real"?
I have thought that often.
Anyone who has had bad morning sickness understands that part of it - you feel like you in some ways you've lost yourself - or at least yourself as you knew it - likes have changed, dislikes have greatly increased. Come on, I haven't had any form of coffee in 6 weeks! That must tell you something.
I very rarely feel at all pretty, or desirable, or productive, or good at anything really. Except for carrying a baby. I remind Tom of that often - that there's one job I'm doing well....
although I don't need to remind him.
He is the most gracious, patient, loving man I know.
So that part of my "bubble" can be explained .... with every pregnancy there is the chance that there will be a month, or months, of this, and it is absoloutely worth it.
And I've still spent every day surrounded by Tom, Simeon and Justus, who just can't stop bringing such joy to my life... God has granted me peace in the situation, and I have felt overwhelmed with the blessings poured on us by people who love and support us.
Amazing.
The harder part of this all - the part that makes me think over and over "Is this real?", is Darla. She has been sick for quite a long time now, we've known how sick for well over a month.
And there are still no answers.
I think about her all day, every day.... and I pray... but many times I can't even find words to pray.
"God, please...."
The best times are the times that I get to sit with her in her hospital room. I would much rather be with her than think and think.
A few days ago we decided to reminisce about our camp counselor days in Brasil. We laughed a lot. Talking about now and the unknowns made us cry, that doesn't help either of us. Who wouldn't prefer to remember and laugh?
When someone is on your mind so much, especially in a way that only comes through an unexpected hard time, you always think about them in a different kind of way. Through these weeks there have been "me and Darla" moments that stand out to me more than most.
Last year I gave my testimony - really a not-easy testimony to give - to a group of highschool girls. As the day approached and I prepared and prayed, I felt like I needed someone to sit right next to me who knew me "then" and "now", and there was no better option than Darla. She did.
There was a day when I was such an emotional, sad, confused mess and I went to her house and said, " I just told Tom that I realized that you are the only one that I could even imagine wanting to see today".
I remember when she called Japan to tell me that she was pregnant- and only 10 weeks behind me. Could any news be any better that? When we moved back, she liked to practice holding and soothing Simeon, preparing herself for Elijah. They kicked eachother before Elijah even came out, so she claimed!
There was the night that I had one of the most difficult conversations I remember ever having, and she and Josh were there, and I cried and cried and she loved me.
We have close to 20 years of memories, and although I knew it before, I know it oh so well now that our lives have been so closely intertwined.
Darla is steady, and she's always there. It can seem surreal when what we have come to assume as so "normal" is shaken....
and it's not easy to see her sick. It's really not.
Thinking about the unknowns, really dwelling on them, does us no good. Jesus tells us to not worry about tomorrow, and as I've lived and learned I have dared myself to take that command literally. It's oh so liberating to live there...
We can choose what we think about, where we go with our thoughts.
So it's sometimes a battle, and truth does not always win control of my mind - I have had some days of fear and many tears.
Not worrying doesn't mean that I live in some kind of naive oblivion, believing that everything will turn out just how I would plan.
But it does mean that I choose to trust, to fix my heart on my Jesus.
And I must believe that God is faithful, and that He can be trusted.
I do believe.

Please pray....

happy birthday justus

happy 2nd birthday to our little Justy....
what a joyful little boy...
always full of snuggles and love - hugs that can make anyone feel so special.
stubborn and independent....
lover of books and balls and your big "brov"....
getting to know you as been nothing but a joy.
what a privilege it is to be your mommy.

beautiful

Last night Simeon looked at me, stroked my shoulder, and said, with even a bit of awe in his voice, "Mommy, you look beautiful. "
I am presently gross, sick, yucky, and could not feel any more un-appealing than I do now.
Really.
Yet that's what he saw, and that's what he said.
Oh, to see through the eyes of my 3 year old.

Fathers Day

my boys, me.... so, so blessed