Thriving in Maine

Thursday, August 21st- Tom has hernia surgery

Friday, August 22nd- Tom sits, I pack and clean

Saturday, August 23rd 5 am- we leave for Maine!  If you have to sit and recover for a week, is there a better place to do it?  I would argue no.

I love Maine, my heart and soul and body love Maine, and my children love Maine.

It was wonderful.  

I will let the pictures speak for themselves:) 

We are thankful, in withdrawal, and when can we go back?!

Unraveled

I shared before that it's been a hard season for me, a hard season that I kept hoping to make my way up out of.

Dark, no - I wouldn't say it's been dark.

But I've been living with an almost constant feeling of "I just can't keep up". I feel as though I run on empty and spend my days scurrying from one thing to another - someone yelling my name to another, one mess to another, one "look at me!" to another, one hungry person to another, one "Mommy, I'm done!!!" to another. 

And I do it all and give it my all but there's always this sense of not doing it any of it well.  Because really, how can I, when I can't sit down and give any one situation the eye level, uninterrupted attention that I feel it deserves? 

I've had multiple breakdowns, and I've been yearning for some sense of calm in my everyday that I haven't found.

Unraveled.

Just a few weeks ago it hit me, and this might sound depressing, but somehow to me, it was anything but. 

This is the sacrifice I'm making with my life. I am going to pour myself out, completely, every day, for many years to come. 

I am not making myself a martyr the slightest bit because raising these boys is my greatest joy and being with them is what I most want to do. If you know me, you know that's true.

But I have four kids, and they are very close in age, and I am happily choosing to homeschool as well, and if I raise these boys the way I feel like God wants me to, then I will have to use every bit of energy I have, every day. And every night I most likely will feel like "I've got nothing"...

But He keeps filling me up.

And therein lies my hope.

I had been wanting to be able to wake up in the mornings thinking "I got this".

I had been hoping for a sense of put-togetherness, in my house and in my days that frankly, I don't think can be found in this house with my boys of 7, 5, 3 and 1. 

But that's ok.

My laundry is piled and my hair hasn't looked very special in a long time and there are a lot of dusty corners.  A LOT of dusty corners.  And oh, the circles under my eyes.

I have accepted this "hard" season as being a lot longer than I had initially hoped. But it doesn't seem as hard somehow.  Draining, yes. But it is my joyful reality, and I am thankful, unbelievably thankful.

Our Easter family tumble

I can't look at this sequence of events without laughing out loud, laughing out loud quite hard.

No one knows how it happened, but as you can see we all toppled over on top of each other while trying to get a family photo.  Megan kept on snapping pictures, and I'm so glad she did. I'm posting these because I hope to capture the silly, carefree, happy, full of thanks feel of these moments, mostly for my own heart to come back and remember.

It was a happy Easter. I feel thankful that we spent the week celebrating Jesus in all kinds of ways and I am now wanting our normal weeks to be more of celebrating Jesus in all kinds of ways. I feel like we just can't go wrong with that...

Hold me Jesus

This morning I walked upstairs into the boys' room and was overwhelmed by the mess that I saw.  It seemed like every single toy was out, and I saw a disaster. My two older boys were up there and I don't know what my words were exactly, but they were not happy nor affirming. I think I sounded like the mom that none of us really want to be.  I let them know that they wouldn't do much of anything until it was all cleaned up, and how many times have I told them to put things away before they get out something new?

Simeon's spirit looked crushed, and crushing one of my boys' spirits is close to the top of my list of things I never want to do. His eyes were sad, and hurt, and he started to cry.  

"Are you crying because you just don't want to clean up, or are you sad?"

"I'm sad."

I looked more carefully and saw clearly what I had not before - that there was a masterpiece in the middle of the mess - that my boy had taken every little animal he could find and had separated them into groups and built mountains and seas and plains for them.  There was an ocean and a jungle and a land of dinasours and a farm and the arctic and it he had worked so hard. 

I looked him in the eyes and told him I was sorry - that it turns out that a lot of times mommies don't see what we should. That he is a super creative, really great kid and what he made was really, really awesome. When I saw only a big mess, I was missing out.  

There's so many different things I can "see" and "hear" when I look at and listen to these boys.  We all just want to be really seen, really heard, for people to think we have to say, or create, is really special.  Oh God, help me.

I had a long talk with my best friend today, and it was just about the best thing that could've happened for me right now.  She lives 35 minutes away but it might as well be hours because our days are full to overflowing taking care of our kids and keeping house and loving our husbands, and lately weeks and weeks go by between our talks and my soul just needs to feel connected. So tonight I feel thankful.

I've been finding my way through a rough season in which I have felt short-fused, lonely and unraveled.

The good thing about it is my ache for God has grown and grown...

And I know, yes I know that being aching and weak is better than feeling like I've got things down and I'm strong. Rich Mullins said it this way: 

"I would rather live on the verge of falling and let my security be in the all sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistical illusion of moral excellence. Not that I don't want to be morally excellent but my faith isn't in the idea that I am more moral than anyone else. My faith is the idea that God and His love are greater than any of the sins we commit." 

Hold me Jesus.

Mulligatawny Soup

Everybody has their own definition of "comfort food". This is mine.It is our favorite recipe. I love cooking, cookbooks, cooking magazines, and finding new recipes is one of my very happiest things.This is my best one. And this soup and this weather are a perfect combination.We were given a copy of The Joy of Cooking as a wedding gift from Tom's sister and brother-in-law, and there were a few recipes throughout that Carrie had marked with a tiny black asterisk. And one day, probably about 5 years ago, I noticed this little star and decided to give it a try. It's perfect. Please try it.  If you make it successfully, and don't like it, well then we have different palates. And sadly, you're missing out. I've changed a few small things, so this version is my own, perfect mulligatawny soup.  (I've seen other recipes with this name that don't seem at all like this, so I'm not sure of its authenticity, but I'm ok with that).         PS: Don't leave out the Granny Smith apples.  They are worth an extra little trip to the store if you happen to forget them.

Mulligatawny soup 

About 1 1/2 lbs boneless skinless chicken thighs, cut into bite size pieces

3 Tbsp vegetable oil

1 onion, thinly sliced

2 garlic cloves, minced 

1 inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and minced

1 Tbsp curry powder

4 cups chicken stock

1/2 tsp salt

1 can coconut milk 

Hot cooked rice

Chopped Granny Smith apples 

Heat vegetable oil over medium-high heat in a soup pot or Dutch oven. 

Add sliced onion, and cook, stirring now and then, until golden brown - 7 or 8 minutes.

Add garlic, ginger and curry powder - cook and stir for about 30 seconds.

(This part needed a picture.  When it looks like this, the aroma is like no other. Your whole house will smell heavenly)

Add the chicken, along with 2 Tbsp of water.Cook, stirring, until chicken loses its raw color, 3 to 4 minutes. 

Stir in chicken stock and salt.

Bring to a boil, reduce heat to medium, and summer until the chicken is cooked through, about 20 minutes.

Add a can of coconut milk and summer for a few more minutes, just to heat through. 

Serve over hot rice. Garnish with chopped Granny Smith apples.

We ate it tonight after a chilly snowy day, and we are happy:)

Let's make it a walking year

I have suddenly realized my New Year's Resolution.  Truthfully, I wasn't looking for a resolution, I'm not much of a resolution maker BUT some events as of late have made me realize that my younger two spend a significantly less amount of time on walks than the older two did.

As a mom of one, and of two, I walked daily, and the boys chattered away and watched the sky through the leaves and branches and we spotted birds and bunnies and squirrels and bugs and people we knew and bridges and cars of every color.  

When all the kids can't easily get popped into a stroller, walks don't seem quite as "easy" ... 

Yet walks refuel my soul, fresh air does us all such good, and being outside is my favorite. so I plan to walk more this year. 

Homeschool perk: maybe even early walks before we start school in the morning once the weather warms up? We will see:) 

Ps I'm also hoping to blog more. Good start, right? 

Happy 8 years to us

Today is our anniversary.  I've been thinking a lot lately about love, specifically love in marriage.

What do I want our love to look like?  When it's all said and done, what is the most important part of how we loved?

I really think that, for me, it comes down to this: I want us to be grace-extenders, taking each other as we are. And I want us to cling to each other. Tightly.

I often wonder if we should try to "sharpen" each other more than we do; whether there should be more "exhortation" than there is...

For me, it becomes very easy to think that it is my job to sanctify Tom.

That is not my job.                              That is the Holy Spirit's job.

And the truth is that over these past 8 years, God has taken over my heart more than I ever saw coming.  He has changed me and I know peace like I never have.

And this has happened while married to the greatest giver-of-grace that I have known.  

I don't know that I would have grown more, or come to know God more deeply if Tom had been pointing out to me what he thinks could be improved.

He loves me as I am and God works me from the inside out.

To me, that feels right.

It's easy to find things in each other that we wish were different, or that we think should be different. And maybe they should...

but that is not my job.

So I've decided that this is what I want for us:  to love and to cling.

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.